Technologies for transformation: bridging, challenging, and modeling [resonance, rupture, and repair]

Three Stages in the Transformational Relationship

There are many kinds of relationships in which it is appropriate for one person or party to work toward the transformation of another. And there are many in which it is not. In general I am only able to support the transformation of another if I am in a fiduciary relationship in which their growth is my responsibility. We have already named teachers, coaches, therapists and pastors as roles in which this kind of relationship can be appropriate. Perhaps the largest group of transformation agents is parents. We can even see that the broader society is responsible for the development of all of its citizens and thus has a responsibility to create mechanisms for transformation by such tools as quality public education.

In most marriages, however, such a role is outside the bounds of the relationship. I am not responsible for the development of my spouse. That is, unless we have specifically agreed that we are going to support each other's transformation.

Because there are so many different roles and relationships in which this process can happen, I am going to speak of the two parties as the seeker and the guide. The seeker is the one who desires support for growth and the guide is the one who supports that growth in the seeker. If I decide I want to learn to safely paddle a kayak and so sign up for a class from a local sporting goods store, I am the seeker and the teacher is the guide. If I decide to help my nephew learn to hit a baseball, I am the guide and he is the seeker. That is, if he wants my help.

The first step in the technology of transformation is the creation of the supportive relationship. In some cases this may be done formally as when a therapy client interviews a potential therapist and then the therapist gathers information about the client's history, current circumstances, and goals. In other cases the relationship is constructed informally as when an adult engages a toddler in a game of peek-a-boo.

As we create an alliance with the person whose transformation we are seeking to support, we have to have to build a relationship with the seeker which assures the seeker that we know what it is like to be where the seeker is. We have to appear to our seeker as someone who "gets it."

If I want to help my nephew be a better hitter, I have to let him know that I see how it is going for him, that I care about how he is batting the ball, and it helps if he knows that I also had trouble learning to connect with the ball.

The second step is to support the seeker's capacity to look at the seeker's current best map and to see the ways in which it is not adequate to the tasks of living she or he is confronting. This may be pointing out to the seeker that what the seeker is doing isn't working, but it may also simply mean being present with the seeker and encouraging the seeker to explore his or her own experience.

I may just ask my nephew about his batting average or ask him if he is interested in becoming a better hitter. If he isn't interested in hitting the ball better, I will not be able to help him. But if he thinks he just can't hit--he doesn't see batting as something which he could improve on--then I can assure him there are some things we can do to support him becoming a more effective batter.

The third step is to provide a map which is both better than the one which the seeker is currently using to address the tasks which arise for the seeker, and it has to be one which the seeker can actually make sense of and use. If I am simply giving the seeker my map, even if it is a great map for me, but the seeker doesn't know how to use or see how it addresses the seeker's problems, it will not support the seeker's transformation. Another way to say this is that the seeker has to know that what I am seeing and saying actually fits the seeker's needs.

I can give my nephew all kinds of advice, even good advice, but if he doesn't know what it means to "choke up" on a bat, he won't follow my instructions. And if he knows I can't hit the ball myself he probably won't listen to me.

Let's look at this process in a somewhat more complex but well known and tested program; that of addressing addictive behavior.

AA is the best known of the many 12 step-recovery programs. Each is tailored to a specific addiction but all have common elements. Whether the drug of choice is alcohol, food, or sex, there are certain elements of the technology which can dependably move us toward health and wholeness. But as with all programs, it only works when you work it.

1. Entry into the program is generally through attending a group in which the only requirement for belonging is being able to say that you belong. New members are greeted and supported and given a list of people they can call if they have questions or need help. Every effort is made to let newcomers know they are understood and welcomed.

2. While members can and do continue to use while they work the program, the purpose of the program is to gain sobriety. They are supported in knowing what sobriety means to them and to identify when they lose it and be helped to regain it. Hearing how others are maintaining their own sobriety challenges them to do the same.

3. They look for those who have been able to construct and maintain their own sobriety and they look to see what those others are doing and even ask them to give them direct support by being a sponsor. They know that the experience, strength, and hope of others can help them become more of who they choose to be.

12 step recovery is a tried and true technology for helping people move from 2° [Personal-material: choice] to 3° [Interpersonal-relational: perception]. When the demands of my life get to be too great and I am not having the experience I want I may find that moving up to 3° is just more of a step than I can take. "I can't even seem to know what it is that others expect of me, so to heck with it, I'll just get drunk." That is, I will make a choice that changes my experience rather than transforming my relationships.

By entering the program I receive support to practice showing up at 3°. The rules are clear and no matter how many times I break them, I can always come back and try again. There is no limit on forgiveness in 12 step. I will get confronted when I abandon the program, especially if I am seeking the guidance of a sponsor, but it is just that sort of external guidance which supports transformation.

Skills of a Transformational Guide

We thus have three stages through which the seeker-guide relationship moves on the way to transformation for the seeker. Each of these calls for a distinct set of skills on the part of the guide. Again, we all have these skills to some degree. The degree to which we want to become better able to support the transformation of others--and by that to help them become better able to resolve the conflicts in their lives--is the degree to which we have to become masterful in these three sets of skills.

These three stages can be named in many different ways. I have generally referred to them as bridging, challenging and modeling. Those who like alliteration may prefer melding, meddling and modeling; or resonance, rupture and repair; or alliance, alarm and alleviation.

Bridging

The first step is the creation of an alliance or resonance between the seeker and the guide. This requires that the guide have some facility with a skill we call empathy or compassion. This is the ability to be emotionally present with another in such a way that the other feels known and cared for.

Let us remember that being able to master this skill depends upon the guide's ability to know and care for the guide. We cannot relate to other's feelings better than we relate to our own. For this reason, if we aspire to be skillful at helping the development of others, we must first be well centered in our own experience.

Developing a capacity for compassion requires being able to be with others even when, or especially when, they are having experiences we are uncomfortable with. They could be having pain from an accident or a disease. They could be in a circumstance that is confusing or frightening to them. Or they could be adopting a position that is alien or dangerous to what we see as our own interests.

Compassion is easier in some circumstances than in others. We can more easily find compassion for a sick child than for a thug who is robbing us. It is easier to find compassion for the innocent than the guilty. It is easier to find compassion when we are safe and satisfied than when we are scared or angry.

Assuming that we each want to develop a greater and greater capacity for compassion, here is a map for the stages we move through as we grow our capacity for caring for and with others. As with any developmental map, it is important to remember that these are not discrete stages but snapshots along the way in a seamless flow. It is also important to remember that we tend to be at higher levels or stages on our best days, but when we are stressed physically or emotionally, we tend to regress to an earlier stage. Thus I am sometimes able to have empathy for what my spouse is experiencing at work, but other days I am going to insist on trying to fix it, or even, if I am really stressed, I may just say that don't want to hear about it.

Repulsion - (2>1)[2]: The other is different from me in a way that would be dangerous for me to understand or connect to. The other is a threat to me and I reject or avoid the other in order to protect myself and my point of view.

Pity - (2>3): The other is suffering in a way that I understand. I may have had similar experiences and I know what it is like to have that experience and I am glad it isn't happening to me now. I keep my distance in order to protect myself from having those feelings return.

Sympathy - (4>3): The other is suffering and I think I can be present to the other in a way that is designed to help the other through the suffering. I should help the other by showing the other what to do.

Empathy - (4>5): I cannot fully know the experience of the other but, to the degree to which I know my own experience, I can relate to the other's experience. I am not interested in telling the other how to be but only to be present to support the other.

Compassion - (6>5): From what I know of my own resourcefulness, I have a high confidence that the other has within the resources for the other's growth and healing. I want to be with the other in the other's process of healing knowing that to do so supports my own self-discovery and growth.

Deep Compassion - (6>7): I am more and more aware that the ways we are different are simply aspects of the accidents of our coming into the world--our race, our sex, our abilities and disabilities--and the ways in which we are the same are far more significant than the ways we are different. When others do not share this awareness I feel a deep sadness and wish to support the other's coming into an awareness that frees the other from the other's suffering.

Identity - (8>7): What appears as suffering is the longing of creation for wholeness. I am not other than a manifestation of the divine energy and intelligence that arises in all. Every face is my one true face.

It is instructive to note that there is a series of transformations which arise for us as we develop the skills of compassion.

· Not safe to safe: at first the other's distress is felt to be a threat to our own wellbeing but as we grow in this skill we find it safer and safer to be around those who are suffering. It is not that we are less affected by their suffering, but that we are more and more confident in our own ability to relate constructively and to remain centered.

· Don't understand to understand to affiliation to unity: a second more complex transformation is that we move from not understanding the other to a sense of understanding to actually feeling a sense of kinship with the other and finally to a place of understanding ourselves to be in solidarity with or unity with the other.

· Confidence that I know them to awareness that I do not: Still, though we have a greater sense of understanding the other we also go from certainty that we know what they are going through to recognizing the uniqueness of their experience and a curiosity about their experience and a respect for them as the sole interpreter of that experience.

· Trying to help them: doing for to being with - While we have a concern for the other's welfare we come to see that we are not taking care of them (which can feel oppressive to them), to caring for them by simply being present with them.

· Difference is a threat, is neutral, is informative, is vital (life giving): The fact that they or their experience is different from who we are or what we are experiencing or what we are making events mean transforms from being something we believe can harm us, to something which doesn't affect us, to something we might learn from, to something of great value to us.

· The other is dangerous, stupid, hurt, creative, beloved: Who the other is seen by us as being transforms from someone who presents a risk to us, to someone who is beneath us, to someone who has been harmed, to someone who has potential, to someone we deeply care about.

Challenging

The second step is the discovery of the place or places where the seeker's perspectives and strategies are not creating what the seeker needs. This requires insight and wisdom on the part of the guide. Insight to see what is going on for the seeker and wisdom to know which part of the problem should be addressed first.

It is the nature of this step in the process of supporting another's transformation that errors or shortcomings are being identified. But there is not just a single shortcoming which can be identified. And we can't deal with everything at once. Where do we start?

In some cases there is a series of actions which may be called for to address a problem. The first step is the first item in that series which is not already completed.

Many years ago I was the Director of a summer camp which had fallen into disuse and disrepair. I had a team of workers busy repairing the camp when I was notified that a group would be coming for the weekend and would be using the upper cabin. They wanted to be sure that there were screens on the windows.

For several years teams had repaired the cabin with sheets of screening and a staple gun. These repairs lasted a few weeks or months at most. Each year the screens had to be replaced. The siding was loose. The roof needed a new layer of tar paper. All of these projects required power tools and the power line was down because the dead oak kept dropping limbs on the line.

When the President of the Camp Board of Directors arrived he was very upset to see that we were working on cutting down the oak tree rather than putting screens on the windows.

One of the distinctions we can make to help us see where to start on any project is between importance and urgency. In the series of tasks related to having screens on the cabin windows taking down the oak tree was more important because failing to do so would just result in the same problem coming up again and again. But the arrival of the kids for the weekend made the screens more urgent.

The President picked up a roll of screen and a staple gun and got to work.

When a guide is trying to help a seeker find the place to start on addressing a problem there will be competing demands for addressing what is most important (what is first in the series) and what is most urgent (what will create the greatest problems if it isn't addressed soon).

When I am trying help my nephew hit the baseball and his stance isn't right and he isn't following the ball all the way in with his eyes I may just have to set both concerns aside until we deal with the fact that the bat he is holding is too heavy for him but he insists that he wants to use that one because it was signed by his favorite player.

A part of the guide's job is to help the seeker discover the first thing to work on. This is complicated by the common experience that what the guide sees as the biggest problem is the one the guide is most comfortable addressing. When the only tool you have is a hammer, the whole world looks like a nail. This may be a problem that the guide is good at addressing and so wants to show expertise about, or it may be a problem the guide has been addressing in her or his own life, but if it is not the problem which is first for the seeker it should be put aside.

It takes insight to see what the problems are and it takes wisdom to know which of the problems should be addressed first. Sometimes the first thing is the first step in a developmental series or a hierarchy of needs, and sometimes the first thing is a a response to an impending crisis. The task of the guide is to offer guidance about priorities.

Modeling

The third step is to hold out for the seeker the perspectives and strategies which construct what the seeker needs. This requires that the guide have some skill at showing the seeker a way of being which is not yet available to the seeker but which the seeker is able to see as being within reach. This means that the guide has to model this way of being.

If I am telling my son that he should clean his room because then life will be easier for him and he will find things and they won't get broken, but my room is always trashed, he is not likely to be persuaded. It is well known, especially in relationship to our children, we teach by example. And it is also well known that we often fail to set the example we want others to follow. Some popular phrases which speak to this include, "Do as I say, don't do as I do," and "It is easier to coach than it is to play." But if we are to be good coaches we have to be good players. If we are to be good guides, we have to be good seekers.

When I first began my clinical training to become a pastoral counselor I was surprised to learn that a requirement of the program was that I be in therapy myself. I was troubled both because I had not budgeted the expense and because I didn't know what I was going to work on in therapy. As far as I was concerned I didn't have any problems. I just wanted to help others with theirs.

As I now look back on the various events and circumstances in my life which have led me to be a skilled psychotherapist I can affirm without hesitation that the most important has been my work as a client in therapy. That is where I learned the skills to deal well with my own life and thus to support others in their efforts. You cannot be a good teacher if you haven't had good teachers. You can't be a good coach if you haven't had good coaching. You can't be a good guide if you aren't a good seeker.

So at the core, what the guide is modeling for the seeker is how to be a good seeker. When the guide is trying to support the seeker through a difficult transition, and the seeker isn't getting it, the guide may become frustrated at trying to create change in the seeker. This is the point at which the guide must seek the guidance of the seeker. The guide has to figure out how the guide can be different in the relationship, not how to get the seeker to be different.

When Jane wants five year old Jack to clean his room and he doesn't do it to her standards, she is likely to become frustrated and try to push him harder. When instead she wonders what it is that she needs and what she can do to transform the relationship rather than to bully Jack, she can discover a different way of being for herself.

She may learn that she is anxious about being a good mom and worried that she can't teach her sons to be responsible. She may discover that she is feeling overwhelmed by the tasks of housekeeping and that she resents Joe for not doing more and is taking it out on Jack by expecting things of him he is unable to do. She may discover that Jack is angry with her about something but is not able to address it directly and so is expressing his anger by defying her. Each of these would call forth a different way of being which would result in a strategy to move her toward what she needs which is also in Jack's best interest.

In each of these instances the focus must be on clarifying the issues and refining the process for addressing them while detaching from the outcome. We can't determine what will happen, but only how we will enter into the circumstance which will inform the outcome. We must keenly focus on what is arising for us and how we are responding to it and then we must surrender to the outcome. It is just this stance of focused surrender which puts us in place to create the greatest good.

[1] Knowing that something is there even when we don't experience it directly is called object constancy.

[2] The numbers in parentheses refer to the stages in the Orders of Self. At the odd numbered orders we are constructed by our perceptions; at the even numbered orders we are constructed by the choices we make. Thus our approach to others is an even numbered response to an odd numbered circumstance. From the state of mind that is 4° [Interpersonal-relational: choice], for example, looking toward 3° [Interpersonal-relational: perception] results in a slightly different perspective and thus behavior than when looking toward 5° [Intrapersonal-internal: perception]. The numbers in parentheses identify this perspective as a result of the locus of identity > and the focus of attention.