October 2009 Archives

"Just Conflict" is now available

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A little before six this evening UPS delivered 100 copies of my book.  I went on Amazon and discovered that they have it listed.  There is no image yet and they admit it isn't in stock, but you can order it.  I am discounting the price if you want to come by for one and I will be taking them to the IFS Conference this weekend.

I will give a copy to anyone who will read the whole thing and write a review.  You can pan it if you want, but I want a commitment to read and write about it.  I will post your review on the web site, Just Conflict, and will invite you to post it to Amazon as well.

Now I get to promote the thing.  I will be sending copies to anyone I think will want to interview me publically or will want to publish a review.  I welcome your suggestions.

Poster Text

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Just Conflict: Transformation through Resolution

Everyone experiences conflict and, at times, feels overwhelmed. When we:

  • remain calm and centered,
  • see clearly what the conflict is about and where it is coming from,
  • address the conflict creatively and assertively, and
  • create what we need without expecting or depending on others to change,

the result is personal, relational, social, and spiritual transformation.

As we master the skills of conflict resolution this transformation comes more easily to us and we are able to support others in resolving their conflicts.

Just Conflict helps readers gain greater confidence about their capacity to name, address, and resolve whatever conflict arises so that, when they discover issues in any relationship, they are able to say, "Oh, it's just conflict."

These tools help the reader to become more adept at knowing what is missing for them when conflicts emerge and to make the choices which get all parties what they need. It is the ability to construct justice out of turmoil which makes conflict just.

Tank on empty; hair on fire

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I've been doing better in the self care department lately but when I think about what a mess I've allowed my life to become and alllllllll the areas that need attention, I feel overwhelmed.

How do I decide what to pay attention to?  It feels like no matter what I do I have to let go of things that are important - things other people seem to manage just fine. I resent myself - knowing that this huge mess is a product of my choices. And I resent that my energy and motivation last for about... 30 minutes... When it will take weeks of concentrated efforts to get organized, clear out past obligations, etc.

I need a game plan....?

The best resource I have to offer is Discipline #5: The Self-Care Routine.  [If you are not familiar with it you can learn more about it here.]  It sounds as though you are close to overwhelm and that you are upset with yourself; not only are you running on fumes, you are fuming at yourself.  We want to both fill the tank and put out the fire.  Let's start with the fire.

So there are parts of you that want to do a better job of self-care.  They are dedicated to your welfare and observe that there are other parts that are sabotaging your well-being.  The "sabotaging" parts don't see it that way at all.  They are just trying to relieve the sense of overwhelm by allowing for some r&r.  They know you just need to chill sometimes.

So we have parts who want to work harder and parts that just want to "chill."  These parts are in conflict and a part of what we are hoping to construct here is a way to reduce the intensity of the conflict between those parts.

At the same time we want to fill the tank; we want to do things which actually get us more of what we need... and there are a lot of things we need.  If we are not careful our anxiety about all of the things we need will push us further into overwhelm. Remember, "Progress, not perfection." We can only improve what we are able to do; we will not become perfect at it. We want our expectations to be spot on with what actually happens.  If we expect more of ourselves than we are actually going to be able to do, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment.

So, do you have a plan?  Is it a plan for doing things you can't or don't do, or is it a plan for doing better what you already do?  What do you do when you don't follow the plan?  What do you observe about yourself when you don't do what you decided was good for you to do?

The book is in the publisher's hands

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Sam and Silo by Jerry Dumas

The book in final form went to the publisher on Wednesday and is now with the printer.  I should see a proof copy next week and have copies available for sale before the end of the month.  That is the plan as I will be at the IFS conference over Halloween weekend and hope to sell more than a few copies there.  We will do a book signing in St. Louis in November.